If there are three things I hate, it’s writing down movie film reviews, the Optimism Vaccine blogging website, and gambling. So I decided to triple-down & put my money where my asshole finger was by writing a movie film review for the optimism vaccine blogging website (pro bono, of course).
Outside of one of the esteemed Optimism Vaccine blogging regional offices in sunny Des Moines, Iowa, there is a 25 cent vending machine which dispenses article review writing assignments. Having recently returned bottles from a local trashcan, I happened to have the exact necessary currency for just such a freelance writing assignment.
With a quarter placed in the slot and a turn of a greasy dial, out popped a plastic egg with a dirty, crumpled piece of paper inside. I bit through the plastic egg, shattering it between gingervatic teeth & eagerly unfolded my next award-winning article blogging writing topic. It read, “God’s Not Dead 2. Need 2,000 characters including spaces or less.”
“Well, they can't all be winners,” I screamed to myself, unnecessarily alarming a nearby back of sparrows. They eyed me suspiciously following my outburst. I slowly backed away and around a nearby corner ending this scene in my article review story.
I took a rest at bus stop bench a few blocks away, once I was sure I had lost track of the birds. The wind in the trees rustled. A newspaper caught in the breeze, rolled along the sidewalk like a tumbleweed & fluttered into my lap. I looked down and read the headline, “TONIGHT ONLY: FREE SCREENING OF ‘GOD’S NOT DEAD 2’ AT THE DES MOINES PUBLIC LIBRARY.”
As loyal blog readers know, I’m strictly a man of science, however that newspaper happening to find me at that exact moment did seem strangely coincidental. There I was, having spent my last 25 cents on yet another underwhelming, unpaid blogging movie film review writing assignment and a free screening announcement of said movie film lands right in my own, only lap. Could it all be part of some...bigger force? Well, it didn’t matter right then, because right then I needed a sleep nap to rest up for the big free community watch watch movie film show with side article review writing. I pulled a bed sheet from my lunch box and laid down on the bus stop bench for some much earned article review shuteye.
A few hours later:
“Muhhhhughh, noooo...muhhh...keep the vanilla dragon away from bicycle shorts” I mumbled out to an empty bus stop while rolling over in Kool-Aid stained bed sheets. I awoke to realize I must have knocked over my juice cup during nappin’ time. I made an awkward arm flail which knocked my alarm clock and sleep machine off of my milk crate nightstand to the sidewalk below. My pet squirrel named “CAT!” ran for its life out from under the bed sheets and down the street, terrified by the sound of crashing electronics. I open my eyes for a few minutes to get a much needed break from restless and upsetting dreams which were reminding me all too well of the movie film review tedium that lay ahead of me.
I stood up and stretched, showing off my stomach hair and flabs to my unimpressed bus stop bench. I farted, then picked up the nightstand garbage and scattered it all back in place. I walked across the street and borrowed a running car from a clumsy pizza delivery boy who had left it unattended in front of a local copy shop that was likely having some sort of staff luncheon. I dropped my automotive loaner in gear & headed off to the Des Moines Public Library.
On route, I became overwhelmed by the essence of pepperonis and slipped off into an additional nap. I awoke to find the car had stayed mostly on course & had managed to collide with a statue of native-born Cloris Leachman only a block away from the library! I exited the vehicle, leaving a courtesy IOU note for both the pizza delivery boy and the City of Des Moines on the loss of their prized possessions, and scampered down the block.
At the local library, the crowd was as thick as the nation’s anticipation for another addition to the God’s Not Dead franchise. Literally, over 6 people stood at the front door waiting desperately to be allowed access to the advertised free movie film viewing. I filed in at the ass end of the line. The local clock tower struck 6 bells and the local library doors swung open.
The crowd pushed and shoved their way to find the best of the “first come, first serve” folding chairs. After everyone had been seated and eleven minutes of previews (which were mostly commercials and not even movie film previews, i mean what is the deal with that anyway?), the lights dimmed and the movie film was about to begin.
For a snack, I retrieved some tuna salad I had been saving in a zip-lock bag from within my leather pants’ cargo pockets and sprinkled some over top my cup of complimentary public library popcorn. It had been years since I’d had warm popcorn and the smell of it combined with my tuna salad flooded me with memories of comfort and better times. It had been such a long decade. I rested my head on the shoulder of a woman I hoped would be passive aggressive enough to allow me to do that kind of thing and just complain about it later. Fortunately, I was not wrong.
The movie began with women who was alone at home and edgy . She gets out of her bedroom bed and pushes her blanket curtain to the side to look out of her window. Outside, beyond the tree branches smacking against window panes are black outlines of house tops and trees contrast against grey night skies. Then they keep panning over and eventually show the eyes of lightning men bobbing up and down on the horizon as they walk around her neighborhood. The lightning men are eating the power from the power lines all night which is kind of a pain in the ass for the people in the movie and the main lady. In this world, refrigerators only work during the day so you pretty much have to eat all of your sandwiches by bedtime. No movies, no video games, no music all night; unless someone wanted to sacrifice their cellular battery for the next morning. The lightning men were super tall, probably around 60 feet, but didn’t really bother anybody past eating all their electricity all night. They even explain that power generators aren’t an option because there are lighting raccoons that take out smaller portable units.
I was awoken by the Des Moines Public Library's janitor tenderly shaking my shoulder. “Mister, the free movies over. I need to clean the public library and move the bookshelves back in.” I sat up. The passive aggressive shoulder rest women sitting next to me had left, causing me to slump over and slumber through the entire movie. Worse still, my tuna and popcorn had fallen from hands and scattered all over the floor after I had become sleepfully overwhelmed by its visceral aroma.
Another movie film review blogging writing article assignment completely ruined. Even though I pretty much expected to not get paid compensated in the first place, I definitely knew I wasn’t going to get paid compensated now. I sighed, stood up, looked at the janitor and shaking my head said, “Goddammit.”