There are times in life when a man adult reflects upon his previous two article stories, and thinks about how they were leading up to a third article story, and how they explored getting an article feature writing assignment, and how they then worked with the co-founder of Wikipedia (sort-of) to research said article feature writing assignment. It is staggering sometimes to think that you now know about the topic subject you were supposed to be feature article writing about.
I had left the bustling metropolis of San Diego three days ago and now found myself on small fishing vessel in the South Pacific Sea closing in on the notorious skull cave island which houses the Gamergate headquarters. It had been many a year since I had been on such an aquatic boat, but the open water still felt like a second home.
There was a chill to the air as we neared our target, and the crew seemed tense. I knew better though. I bore no intimate friendship connections to any sort of video game industry employee staff member and moreover, my lack of journalistic integrity had never managed to garner much of any attention. My uncorrupted gaming console background and utter disinterest in the gaming console subject matter would surely keep us safely off Gamergate island radar detection and associated hash-tag attacks as we made our approach.
Immediately after convinced myself of our well-conceived island strike, a large explosion sent our fishing boat plummeting to the ocean floor. I swam through a port hole into murky waters and back up to the surface. There I treaded water, looking for other surviving crew members. Nearby, a Nintendo 3DS floated to the surface followed by the ship’s captain, a 20-something-in-years-age female. It suddenly dawned upon me that hiring a hip lady woman who played the video games had been a dangerous and somewhat obvious oversight, given the subject matter of this article review writing assignment.
Looking to the shore I could see what appeared to be a small group Caucasian tweenagers gathered on the beach. Some were angrily shaking pitchforks, while others were angrily distracted by smartphones. The group began screaming harassing statements and death threats at us. We tried desperately to swim away, but the strong tide swept us directly towards them.
Our biting fear crippled our thoughts as we floated closer and closer to the beach. I advised my lady captain, my captain to close her eyes as our terrible fates would soon be forcefully drawn closed. And then…nothing. We lay in damp sand as waves pushed back and forth across our pruned fingers waiting to die, but nothing happened. We looked up, confused as to what was taking death’s sweet embrace so long to strangle out our last breath, only to find the beach completely abandoned.
I reached into my pocket, pulled out a plastic baggie, and retrieved my trusty corncob pipe, stuffed to the brim with great grandmama's famous recipe hashish oregano. I took a thoughtful drag, hacked violently, and looked around for signs of an ambush. Nothing. I looked to my lady captain, who looked at me confused, as she had not realized I had been stowing away on our journey together. I shrugged, then reached into my pocket, pulled out a plastic baggie, and retrieved my trusty Optimism Vaccine two-way walkie talkie communicator. I pulled the antenna and hit the talk button, “OV HQ, OV HG, this is DQ Satanfingers requesting immediate evac from current location.”
Static sputtered back, and then a faint response came through the receiver, “DQ, this OV HG, message received, evac on route.”
A moment later a helicopter flying machine emerged over the horizon and fluttered quickly to a resting place in the air overhead. A flimsy rope latter dropped down and I grabbed on. I heard my lady captain screaming something about what and the hell and if I was just going to leave her there. I couldn't be sure, but I knew I needed to return to headquarters with haste.
Once back at the office, I had hardly made it in the door to hang up my raccoon skin puffy vest before Steven Cuff was standing in my office.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Satanfingers!” Steve screamed into my face, his breathe wafting an alluring smell of avocado and grain alcohol.
“Stevie boy, whatever do you mean?” I retorted casually.
“You mean…you haven’t heard!?”
“No, my good boy, I have not heard. What…” I paused again mid-sentence, as I often like to do whilst conversing with Steven, “What is it, Steven?”
He grabbed me by the turtleneck and yelled, “You idiot! Adolescent white kids the world over are quitting social media! They say some transient shit sack, matching your description I might add, came to oppress them over the whole Gamergate controversy. They say you brought a girl with you, in person, to personally oppress them! In person!”
“So…” I contributed thoughtfully to his monologue.
“So! So, Devlin!? So!? These kids have never had to deal with their problems face-to-face! What were you thinking! A real live GIRL! This whole story was about anonymous shit-talking with the support of some bullshit media-propagated hash-tag!”
I nodded and reassured him, “Listen, Steven, calm down. This is no big issue deal. So what if a few tweenage heart-throbs resign from the online internet social media web?”
Steven sighed heavily, and looked me square in the cataracts. “Devlin, they’re all dropping their 140-character-or-less libel to start their own collaborative blogs. Do you know what that means?”
I grunted acknowledgingly and replied, “Yes. I have successfully resolved the Gamergate.”
He shook his head. “No! What you've done is created so much competition for ranting, over-opinionated, insignificant review websites that we've become more obscure than ever! Satanfingers, I’ve waited a long time to say this…YOU ARE FIRED!”
I was stunned. I hadn’t been fully concentrating listening, but the last part he yelled in all caps was bad. I’d never been formally compensated paid by Optimism Vaccine, but I would surely be lost without a job. It became mucho difficult to think brain. I did the only thing I could figure do. I began crying profusely, shoved Steven out of my way path, and ran outside until the article review story ended.