“GAMERGATE! Goddamnittall, Devlin, G-A-M-E-R-G-A-T-E!”
The continued screams of Optimism Vaccine’s Chief Head Editor Accountant Fashionista, and Assistant Burrito Liaison, Steven Cuff, continued to reverberate through the receiver.
“Steven, I love you like an adopted child loves his borrowed time, but I've already explained to you tens of times over that Nixon’s dead. I checked his dead vitals through his own withered toes, via my own withered fingers, via by my own very withered self.” I retorted, futilely trying to explain my entrenched position.
“Devlin, man, listen. I’m not trying to coerce you into re-opening a political scandal from some 40-odd years ago. This story is new. A new trending topic; the kind of new trending topic that the kids are really getting invested in. This is feminism. This is video games. This is exactly the kind of story we need to pull our prestigious website’s statistics out of the proverbial void.”
“Steven, my boy, I can’t make heads or tails out of a single proverbial word you're saying…” I paused for tense dramatic effect, “But you've got heart kid, so I’ll do it.”
“Right…Well, alright, fine. Look Devlin, we don’t have any money to pay y---*click*” The sound of dial tone buzzed continuously through the receiver. It was clear to me that my telephone booth toll time quarters had run out and would not be soon reimbursed. I pushed a withered finger into the coin return slot. Nothing. It didn't matter. I still meant what I had informed to my dear Steven; I would take the case and write the crumby article. Really, who would care? Certainly not the esteemed browsers of the internet. Certainly not my fellow college thesis-feces contributors collaboratively producing the online internet web Optimism Vaccine web page site.
As firm in my decision as I was to write an article on internet pop culture sensation miscreants, I couldn't help but pontificate think about what I honestly owed the OV website anyway? The last time I went on assignment, I was bludgeoned, buried, and believed to be dead by a crazy-eyed editor-in-chief, Adam M. Miros, who couldn't hack it at one of my internationally renowned Benzo/Gasoline/Oxy/Aerosol Bathroom-Freshener Hotbox Parties.
I sighed, and looked up to the sun. My cataract-ridden eyeballs started to singe, so I stopped. I could see clearly now the time had come to go to work.
To get started I would have to go to one of the most respected sources of information facts for modern journalism truth; the Wikipedia internet webpage. This was going to be difficult, as I currently did not own a personal computer, nor did I reside near neighbors with unprotected wireless internet access, and I may have been happening to be sleeping in a fairly industrial sector of my sleepy, middle-west town.
Thinking on my feet, I returned to the phone booth in which I had conversed with my best friend, Steven Cuff, and called the information telephone line number. The young and respectable operator woman asked how she could connect my call. I informed her that I needed the address of the Wikipedia Corporation. She informed that I needed to hold please for a moment while she researched the answer to my inquiry, and then informed me of the address in question and hung up the receiver. I hung my receiver as well, and looked back to the sun. I cursed my ocular decision and screamed out loud the next step in my journey for dramatic effect, “I WILL BE TRAVELING TO…SAN DIEGO!
Read the next exciting installment of the in-depth Optimism Vaccines undercover reporting expose feature article on Gamergate in segment two: Devlin Writes a Three-Article Segment about the Gamergate Controversy: Segment Two