It’s not every day in life that the Optimism Vaccine editors just hand you four single dollars, a plastic baggie of assorted snack meats, and an expired bus pass; and then sets you loose in the world to find a movie film house theater that will take you in to watch the new and exciting “Oz the Great and Powerful”. Well, it’s not every day for you anyway, you rotten sack.
I woke up early, at around 3:17 in the morning for this thrilling movie film viewing assignment. I knew I couldn’t disappoint the Optimism Vaccine staff again if I was going to keep feeding my despicable Spaghetti-O habit.
Movie film theater houses tend to value cleanliness above all else, so I decided I must take a shower. I stripped out of my burlap sleeping sack, and proceeded to lather up my experienced carcass with my grandfather’s leftover bar of lava soap. The sheer graininess of the lava bar scrapping away at my flesh was rejuvenating, and made me feel alive.
Sufficiently lathered and bloody, I stepped into my tub and cranked the faucet to the ‘on’ position. Shards of rust exploded from the showerhead impaling my stomach and groin. I screamed as the rust slivers sputtered and were replaced with an arctic cold burst of brown mist hissing out of the pipes surrounding me. I must have forgotten to pay the electric again. It was clear there was going to be no hot shower for daddy Satanfingers today. I stepped back out of the shower, wrapped my torso in gauze, and threw on my wolf-skin overcoat. I was ready for a day of movie film viewing.
On the walk to the movie film theater, I passed by a pet store. They had some sort of mutated ox in the window. Its nervous system had been removed by some twisted fiend of a scientist, leaving it a quivering pathetic excuse for oxen. It asked if it could join me on my journey to the movie film theater, however I declined.
Along the way, others were also desperate to join me on my journey to the great and powerful movie film theatre including: a bus driver with heart disease who had not honored my expired bus pass, a homeless-paint-thinner-addict who had burned out all of his more useful brain cells, and a gorilla that was somehow supposed to be symbolic of the dog for the idiot reference I’m making. I turned down their offers as well since a Satanfingers always works alone.
I had spent too much time mingling on my walk, and arrived late at the movie film theatre. My crumby four-dollar advance wasn’t enough to purchase admittance anyway. I derived what I could about the plot from the movie film poster to put together my movie film review synopsis:
A self-assured banker goes for a ride in a balloon.