(NOTE: This was initially meant for David Simon's eyes only and pertains to his series, The Wire. This is a spoiler alert to alert you, dear readers, that there are no spoilers of The Wire in this letter. Carry on...)
Dear Mr. Simon,
What's the good word, Dave? Can I call you Dave? No? Alright, David it is.
David, first of all, I'm dreadfully sorry that I missed the most recent season of Treme. While I'm at it, I should go ahead and apologize for missing the last two-thirds of season one and all of season two, along with my likely future missing of the final, abbreviated season HBO has dubiously and tentatively awarded you. I'm quite sure, though, as with most of your best work, it will age like a sharp cheddar and receive multiple accolades from laypeople viewing it on DVD at least 4 years from now. It's all in the game, I suppose, yo.
Anyway, I've been growing increasingly concerned over the legacy of your seminal television series, The Wire. While the critics lapped it up like kittens to a saucer of milk, it took a long time for audiences to come around to it. I know you get a little irritated when this fact is brought up to you time and time again whilst promoting your other projects, but it would behoove me to at least suggest that you take advantage of any renewed interest in The Wire. One word: SYNDICATION!
Of course, David, I do realize that The Wire was re-run for a brief period on DirectTV's Audience Network. But, seriously, who the hell watches the Audience Network? And do you really think the harsh realities your fictional series portrays with such stark clarity and supreme artistry really deserves to be sandwiched between a Third Eye Blind concert and The Supreme Court of Comedy? In the words of Clay Davis, "Shheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-IT!!!!!!!!!"
Now, I realize the ignorance of the masses during The Wire's original HBO run works as a near-perfect metaphor for the gritty plight of the neighborhoods that lie just a few short blocks away from Baltimore's stunningly beautiful Inner Harbor, but now is the time to right that wrong and make some real bread. Dough. Cash. Dollars. Money.
So, let's say you sell the syndication rights to a reputable cable channel or, hell, maybe even a network like the CW. I know you are probably pissing your pants, David, trying to conjure up the perfect television ads to run that will help sell viewers on catching-up with The Wire. I'm happy to say that I have already done a lot of the legwork for you. That's right, David, I've been in the trenches for you and re-emerged with the perfect song for those commercial bumpers. Now, getting the rights to this song may cost a little more than we'd be willing to part with up front, but in the long run, I think it will cleverly work to keep The Wire on television forever. David, we're going to make The Wire the goddamn Seinfeld of syndicated urban crime dramas (you'll be like a less funny Larry David). But on with the proposed song. I hope you're sitting down...
Smart money says that you are a Peter Gabriel fan. As a matter of fact, I would peg you for a "Biko" kind of guy (for obvious reasons). I don't know how familiar you are with Gabriel's third album from 1980, the one with the album cover where it looks like he's melting. Anyway, that album is easily Gabriel's own The Wire: critically acclaimed as a classic work of art but mostly ignored by the masses. And, wouldn't you know it David, there's a song on there called "And Through The Wire." See where I'm going with this? Well, just give it a listen if you're not familiar with it already:
WOW, right?! What would be more perfect than that, David? Just imagine, a good thirty second spot showing clips of, oh I don't know, Stringer Bell being chased by Omar, along with some shots of "The Towers," McNulty taking a swig of Jame-O or punching something, maybe even a quick take of "minor" characters like Brother Mouzone holding a gun or Ziggy crying in his car. I don't know, I'm not the genius, you pick the clips, David. But man, tell me this song would not hold up! What would you have used? Another version of "Down in the Hole?" C'mon, D-Simon, it's overwrought and why would we want to spoil the show's actual theme in the teasers? Plus, where else would you be able to find a more perfect sales pitch for the series at about the 3:03-7 mark of this song? (No, really, LISTEN to that part of the song!)
Well, David, I feel that my work here is done. I hope you carefully consider what I have presented to you. And once we take care of U.S. syndication, don't forget about other markets. We're already covered for television ads in Germany:
Anyway, be careful where you tread. Love you, bye!