…In which our hero makes a playlist
After years of fighting the tide that has consumed my contemporaries, I have decided to yield and finally do something that I was supposed to do a long time ago: I am making a sex playlist. I’m an early adopter of most things technological. I like to think that I was one of the first people to join Gmail or use Kazaa to pirate mislabeled Rage Against the Machine tracks. But when it comes to social media in general or music, I have been woefully behind. I was one of the last people to join Facebook and Twitter because I didn’t understand their utility (still don’t). I just heard about Joy Division last week, and I still don’t understand what the big deal is. However, this is the year of some lord, 2013. The Mayans were wrong. Maybe I am too. So, I’ve decided to make my first sex playlist. And I’d like you, dear reader, to come along for the ride. Everything I am going to say is specific to me, so heads up.
The first thing to do is figure out what the usefulness of a sex playlist is. Is it to subconsciously trick an otherwise unwilling girl into doing it with you (assuming, of course, that silence would discourage her from making a terrible mistake)? Maybe. Is it to distract one while one is indisposed with a lady? Perhaps not. Really, this is the first question one asks when constructing a playlist, and I’m not sure that there is a right answer. As with all things, I googled this for assistance. In classic google fashion, it was no help when I needed it the most. It appears that most people are lazy and resort to Pandora to guess what is best (fucking plebeians). So, I will construct this playlist based on the assumption that the point of a playlist is to get a lady in the mood, so to speak. Obviously, I won’t be using it for such a purpose, but feel free to use it for your own nefarious purposes.
No need to resort to hypnotism anymore, friend.
Next, we have to figure out the appropriate content for the music. Does one rely heavily on a particular musical genre? This, I expect, has a direct correlation with the type of lady that you’re into, and the “vibe you’d like to put out”, in the parlance of our times. R&B is a classic choice, and denotes a worldliness and awareness of cultural norms. It’s the safe choice. Smooth jazz denotes a certain Mad-Men-classiness, but could also pigeonhole you as a prudish type in certain circles. Dubstep denotes that you are 18 and are probably going to try to put it in the butt. And nu-metal denotes that you are illiterate. Actually, nu metal in general denotes that you are illiterate. And you can’t read this, so fuck you. As a playlist beginner, I should stick with R&B and its variants and not stray too far, lest I make a fool of myself.
Some illiterate people.
The problem with R&B, however, is that it is a large genre and very popular. This has obvious benefits, ie. it allows for a great selection of tracks, most of which are designed specifically to be used in sex playlists. However, the media (or LIBERAL MEDIA, as our nu-metal friends would say) knows this and plays many of its songs on the radio, in television and movies, and in nightclubs. This can lead to the “This is my jam!” scenario in which the utility of the song in the sex playlist is overwhelmed by its popularity/danceability, distracting the target lady from the task at hand (which is why Justin Timberlake and Robert Kelly cannot be represented). A corollary to this is the fact that most R&B singers are good looking dudes, and this can distract the target lady. Thankfully, this is less of a problem after the demise of the music video and the shortening of our collective attention.
So, with all of this in mind, I have constructed a rudimentary playlist. Obviously, any feedback/suggestions are welcome, especially if your name is Zach. You know who you are.
Freek’N You – Jodeci
Reason for inclusion: If this song doesn’t make it into every playlist of this sort, I’m joining Al Qaeda. It’s got all of the basic needs for a playlist. Honestly, I would listen to this on repeat all the time. Even when I’m buying grapefruit. IT’S THAT SENSUAL. The opening line of the song is “(whispering) I wanna freak you,” followed by, “everytime I close my eyes, I wake up feeling horrrnnyyy”. If this doesn’t put everyone in the mood, it’s not going to happen.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: Comes on a little strong. Maybe don’t open with this song. If you live in an apartment building, it might also make your neighbors horny, leading to the apocalypse as predicted by Axe commercials.
‘Glory Box’ – Portishead
Reason for inclusion: It might get weird. In a good way.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: 0.01% chance of being murdered.
‘O’ – Omarion
Reason for inclusion: Safest choice of the bunch. Nothing weird or gross. It’s almost like a contract of what is about to happen. Long, sustained ‘O’ notes, which have been shown in clinical studies to stimulate the groinal regions.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: Medium ‘That’s my jam!’ potential.
‘Making Love (Into the Night)’ – Usher
Reason for inclusion: Usher Raymond IV.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: Though not a popular song, secretly high ‘That’s my Jam!’ potential.
Skin – Sade
Reason for inclusion: Sade is to sex playlists what James Rebhorn is to sniveling FBI guys: at the top of the list. Great either at the beginning or the middle of the playlist. Breaks the sensuality meter. Plus, it’s called ‘Skin’ so you know it’s good.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: A little porn-y.
Red Red Wine – UB40
Reason for inclusion: Cliché song in many playlists. Might offer a safe harbor in a sea of unfamiliar songs. Expresses intention for doing it upfront. Great as the first song in the playlist (the ‘tip of the spear’, as it were).
Reason for (potential) exclusion: Off the charts ‘That’s my Jam!’ potential. Will get stuck in your head for years, possibly.
Sweet Misery – Amel Lerreiux
Reason for inclusion: Listen to it and disagree with me. I dare you.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: A lot of layered vocals, which make the words hard to understand. This might lead to undue attention paid to trying to decipher the lyrics. Plus, since I don’t understand the words, I can’t vouch for them. The lyrics might be totally anti-Semitic or something.
On & On – Erykah Badu
Reason for inclusion: Erykah Badu is to sex playlists what Saul Rubinek is to middle-aged Jewish anti-heroes. The underlying beat can be used a metronome for establishing rhythm for doing *that*.
Reason for (potential) exclusion: The content of the song has nothing to do with the task at hand. Plus, the word ‘God’ is in there, which might make certain people feel guilty.
Closing Time- Semisonic
Reason for inclusion: Ends the playlist. And your night. “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” Amirite, fellas? [High fives some cool bros].
Reason for (potential) exclusion: You end up seeming like a callous person. Also, this is a joke. There isn’t a song called “Now it’s time for spooning and talking about your day”. Which is of course what I would play at the end.
So there you have it. Phase 1 complete. Now on to Phase 2.