BraveStarr served as a premature exclamation point to the glorious sentence that was Filmation, the studio that enriched our childhoods with quality programming such as Mission: Magic, a Rick Springfield vehicle that aired nearly a decade before anyone stateside knew who the hell Rick Springfield was. Pioneers, I say. BraveStarr? Sure it let loose unto the world the unspeakable blight that is the Prairie People, but that won’t stop us from taking this journey. Together.
What's all of this then? Check out the first episode of The BraveStarr Compendium for a bit of background on BraveStarr and a breakdown of the ratings system.
Episode 4 is a descent into madness as we tunnel beneath New Texas to the unholy Prairie People Kingdom. What fresh hell awaits us there? Essentially a furry re-enactment of 1996's riotous Bulletproof, in which comedy juggernauts Adam Sandler and Damon Wayans must elude the mob while handcuffed together. And here's the twist: They can't stand each other! Suffice to say, things get a bit awkward and much fun is had. But not before a few lessons are learned. Now imagine that every line uttered by Adam Sandler sounds a lot like this:
Now imagine Damon Wayans sounds exactly like Adam Sandler, if he were afflicted with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder. Now imagine that every secondary character sounds like various octaves of Adam Sandler. Now imagine sitting through that film for more than five minutes. Hell, I don't think Theodor fucking Geisel could imagine that. Let's meet our tormentors.
Chief Tussle is tasked with running the Prairie People Kingdom, likely selected for his obvious moustache prowess. Seems he's doing a real bang-up job, considering the Prairie Kingdom is nearly obliterated due to his over-zealous security system. He does speak in longer bursts than the rest of the dirt people, so perhaps he's what amounts to the bourgeoisie. He's apparently also an active member of the Water Buffalo Lodge.
Apparently Fuzz has a love interest. Totally necessary. Wuzzella is what passes for comely in the bowels of New Texas. She doesn't serve much of a purpose, other than to establish Melissa McCarthy as the feminine ideal in this subterranean abyss.
Recent episodes of The BraveStarr Compendium have been described by readers as dense, impenetrable, frivolous, senseless, aimless, pointless, distended, affected, boorish, and inane. An astounding potpourri of criticism, considering we have seven regular readers. The only conclusion I can draw is that you, dear reader, just don't get it. I blame the deteriorating public school system. Clearly drastic measures must be taken to undo the damage caused by years of mental atrophy. Therefore, I've elected to bring in some outside assistance for a new segment I like to call The BraveStarr Compendium Compendium. I've asked a personal hero of mine, a man I consider something of a mentor, to take a look at these humble writings and help to bridge the gap between my awesome intellect and the... somewhat lesser (Through no fault of your own, mind you. Clearly a systematic failure. You're the victim!) acumen of the handful of you reading this. So without further adieu, allow me to introduce Hans Gruber, Creative Writing Instructor at Taft College. He's the man who set me along this righteous path, and he'll surely succeed where I have failed. You may yet find my writing compelling, with the aid of someone else's writing. Look for his notes at the end of every episode, including the ones we've already covered.
In Today's Episode
In an effort to attain an appropriately… rural perspective for this piece, I procured and ingested a substantial quantity of grain alcohol. Unfortunately, this has left me with seriously impaired vision, making the customary “watching” of the episode less than possible. Tragic irony that something called moonshine has robbed me of the prospect of ever seeing the lustrous face of the moon again. But necessity is the mother of invention, or so they say. In lieu of the usual plot recap, I’ll transcribe the audio from the Prairie Prattling video I cut some time ago. Hopefully the words of New Texas’ indigenous wonders will serve to illuminate the episode’s events, much like the sun once illuminated the world around me. Steer clear of grain alcohol, youth of today. Good thing I didn’t cheat my way through typing class.
Fuzz: Uh-huh. Entrance there. You follow Fuzz. Where you are? Oooh, dumb Fuzz! I forgets you can’t dig hole. It’s okay. I make big one for you. It’s alright now. Room for humans and animules. Welcome to Prairie People Kingdom.
Skuzz: [coughing fit] It’s not [cough] easy. It’s not easy, but I [cough] know secret tunnel.
Chief Tussle: Yes! Is very important to Prairie People. Kerium energy keep kingdom toasty and help heal sick peoples. It matter not! We have protection. Is very bad. Kerium chain reaction start. Look. When chain reaction start, more lights blink. When all lights blink, kerploowoo, big explosion. But secret switch in deep tunnel to stop explosion. Besides, not even Tex Hex want to blow up whole kingdom.
Skuzz: I find it! I find it! [yelp] Where be I? Um, Skuzz find kerium for Hex Tex.
Fuzz: Uh, zokay if I comes later, Marshal? Well, I, uh…
Chief Tussle: Fuzz want to visit old girlfriend Wuzzella! Is true Fuzz?
Fuzz: [yodel] Goody goody! [lesser yodel] Thanks Marshal.
Skuzz: Must be somewhere here [wheeze].
Wuzzella: [hums snappy tune]
Skuzz: Me gonna find the treasure.
Fuzz: Ooh I hopes Wuzzela remember me. Oop, me sorry.
Skuzz: Hey, watch where you go. Fuzz?
Fuzz: Skuzz! [clears throat] What you do here?
Skuzz: Not your business! Goodbye.
Fuzz: I bees deputy. You not go.
Skuzz: Ooh? I go. You not go.
Fuzz: [rassum frassum] Stop in name from law!
Skuzz: Uh-oh. [squeal]
Fuzz: Now me got you. [incomprehensible scrabble]
Skuzz: Let go. The kerium treasure. I find it!
Fuzz: Ooh, you not steal kerium. Oh no-woo!
Skuzz: Blast. Kerium flash stick us together.
Fuzz: [moan] Stick us together for good.
Fuzz: [grunt] [groan] We stuck together. What we do now?
Skuzz: Kerium. So much kerium.
Fuzz: Oh no. Don’t touch.
Skuzz: Yes touch. And take!
Skuzz: Hey. What happened?
Fuzz: Kerium explosion countdown. You set off. Look!
Skuzz: Who cares if lights blink?
Fuzz: Me care! When all five lights blinky-blinky, kerium blows up! Skuzz and Fuzz blow up too!
Skuzz: Then me get kerium [wheeze] fast!
Fuzz: No! We find master switch. Stop countdown before Prairie People’s kingdom blows up!
Skuzz: Skuzz tired. [cough] Have to stop.
Fuzz: No! No. No time to rest. Must get the countdown switch. Stop kerium splosion!
Skuzz: [huff] You get the countdown switch.
Fuzz: Ooh. [grunt] Now look what you does. [pant] Me get you out Skuzz.
Chief Tussle: Right you be, Marshal. Is very dangerous. Four countdown lights blinking. When fifth light blinks, kerium perperploo. There is! But tunnel to switch just cave in. No way to stop it. Prairie People must leave kingdom. Quick, get families and leave. You’re good man, Marshal. Be careful.
Fuzz: Skuzz, hang on. Fuzz save you.
Skuzz: [whimper] Why you help me? I be your enemy.
Fuzz: No. No enemies when person hurt. There. Must get the switch. It be at end of this tunnel. Hurry. [howl] Help Skuzz!
Skuzz: Skuzz free. Me not help my enemy. Me want out before splosion. But you help me before, so I help you.
Fuzz: You good furball after all, Skuzz. Thanks.
Skuzz: Me not good. Me not want thanks. Me want to get out of here.
Fuzz: Oh, Marshal. So happy to hear your voice. Needs help bad. Me gots to find countdown switch. Ah, is done Marshal. Ooh, is terrible danger. Look. If switch not turned off, all Prairie People’s kingdom blows up! But can’t reach switch. Ooh. Oh Marshal, Marshal hurry. Push switch. [whoop] BraveStarr do it, BraveStarr do it! [hoot] Prairie people kingdom saved! [yip]
Chief Tussle: Prairie People grateful to you, Marshal. You save our home.
Fuzz: Is so strange, Marshal, but Skuzz helps me. He saves my life. Uh-huh. Me helps him when tunnel collapse. He bad. Is um, alright if Fuzz could uh, well… I mean… uh…
Wuzzella: Uh, Fuzz too ashamed, Marshal. He want to ask for [oink] time to visit… with me.
Fuzz: Ohh. Fuzz thank you. [chortle]
Wuzzella: And Wuzzella thank you!
Fuzz: You know something Marshal, most of the time cousin Skuzz is not nice. Me very surprised today when Skuzz help save my life. It’s true. Me learned something else too. It’s always better to look for the good in peoples. [wail]
If we try hard enough, we usually find there’s a little good even in the worst of people. It’s always better to look for the good in people. Sometimes we might find it where we least expect it.
Rating: Eyes of the Hawk
In order to accurately transcribe the indecipherable squawking of the mole folk, I had to listen to the audio in the neighborhood of 30 times, at which point my right ear began to mist blood. I was diagnosed with clinical Tinnitus, meaning I've emerged from this crucible down two senses. And to think, I still have 62 episodes left. Goody.
The BraveStarr Compendium Compendium
Rick Springfield is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame best known for his chart topping hit, Jessie's Girl. Contrary to the author's assertion, he was a well known 'teen idol' in the mid-1970s.
Ever heard of Midnight Run? The world did exist prior to 1990.
The third leading cause of death in these United States
Better known as Dr. Seuss. Why the author sought to obfuscate that, I am uncertain. Egomania seems a likely culprit.
The lodge attended by Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble in the animated classic The Flintstones required its members to don similar headgear.
An archetypal instance of the pot calling the kettle fat.
That you managed to squeeze into my classroom four times over the course of a semester hardly qualifies our relationship as mentor/protege.
Hans Gruber? That's the best fake name you could come up with? My God. I thought this was an exercise in originality.
I'm not sure how relevant that platitude is to the situation. Does anyone really need to hear more of your "insightful" commentary? And what exactly have you invented? Sloth?
Your high school transcript tells a different tale. I can picture it now: Your sallow, beady eyes stealing glances beneath the sheet of paper that had been placed over your sausage fingers in order to preserve the academic integrity of typing. Your colander-like mind never could grasp the concept of QWERTY, could it?
Considering the author made no effort whatsoever to decipher a plot, I suppose the task falls to me. It appears that Fuzz has welcomed BraveStarr and Thirty-Thirty into his home beneath New Texas for a look around. They've met Chief Tussle, ruler of the Prairie Kingdom, and observed the security measures taken to protect the planet's most valuable resource, kerium. The Prairie Kingdom houses the planet's largest store of kerium, and the nefarious Tex Hex seeks to get his hands on it. Tex sends the loathsome Skuzz on a reconnaissance mission into his estranged home. Upon Skuzz's arrival, he becomes fused with Fuzz by a kerium blast, and they must work together to defuse the impending destruction of the Prairie Kingdom. They succeed in averting disaster, with the help of our titular hero.
Do not, under any circumstances, endeavor to watch this video. It's like strychnine for the soul.
Characterized by a ringing in the ear, often described as the buzzing of locusts, a common biblical plague utilized by the Lord to smite the deserving.
Because comedy works best when someone holds your hand.