Happy 2013, everyone! As expected, it appears Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been having intercourse. Sans condom. Which is fine. And they, according to the most horrible parts of the internet, are having a baby. It behooves me, as the lone ethnic gentleman on Optimism Vaccine (probably), to comment and wildly speculate on the matters of this unplanned child.
No doubt you readers know that this announcement was made in a very traditional manner, in accordance with practices from the old country: at a concert in Atlantic City. This, of course, swept through the most vapid and abstruse parts of the internet like wildfire, garnering much needed attention by entertainment industry titans such as sohh.com, hollybaby.com, and the New York Daily News. The flashpoint of this media firestorm was Twitter, where news of the so-called Kimye baby trended for a record 52 hours (approximate).
The news has died down, though speculation continues about the reality show future of the baby, how much pictures of Kim Kardashian’s belly will cost, and about the crying habits of Mr. West. No word, however, on who is responsible for pooping on Edward R. Murrow’s grave this week. At Optimism Vaccine, we understand that this is unfortunately what people are clamoring for. This is, against the will of God, a cultural event and the major talking point in the zeitgeist. So allow me to throw our hat into the ring and wildly speculate about the future of this baby.
Here are the official odds for the name of the baby, and possible futures that could follow:
65:1 – Katniss
Kanye and Kim kash in on the kurrent trend of Hunger Games mania. Jennifer Lawrence is asked to be godmother, but refuses. Stanley Tucci stands in instead. The baby starts wearing merchandise for the next two(?) movies and perhaps has a cameo as an ancillary character.
70:1 – Kornel
The baby becomes the most famous Kornel West, supplanting Cornel West and in the process, killing black intellectualism.
50:1 – Entitlement
The baby somehow inherits all of the entitlement from Kim and the non-music-production entitlement from Kanye and becomes a pure ball of entitlement, so bright that it swallows TMZ and the entire E! network. Then there is the reality show that follows: Rules of Entitlement, which is forced upon the entire population. Anyone who refuses to watch is sent to The Island Gulags. From which there is no escape.
100:1 - Ladies and Gentlemen
Unlikely, but fun name (if you haven’t seen Louis CK’s bit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNSf-KQORRk). Plus, it’s got a panache to it and people might think it’s part of Kanye’s swagger (which, by the way, is actually just misplaced self-consciousness).
7:1 - Katrina
The run of Kardashian K names continues (sorry, Penelope). And what better way to celebrate than by bringing up the thing that made Kanye a household name: that weird Katrina benefit where he claimed that George Bush hates black people.
17:1 – James (Jim)
That baby will be Jim West, desperado. Rough rider? No, don’t want nada. None of this six gunning this, brother running this. Buffalo soldier, it’s like I told you. God help us all.
6:1 – Kalifornia
Continuing the trend of celebrities who name their babies where they were conceived, a la Brooklyn Beckham, Tennessee Witherspoon, or InATreehouseNearAustinTexas McConaughey. That plus the K trend make this a good bet.
9:1 – LeBron
Normally, you’d go with JayZ or Sean or Carter. But even Kanye is not that craven. Instead, he names his baby LeBron (because of the winning and brand marketing, you see), LeBron acts as godfather, followed by Kanye buying the Sacramento Kings and luring LeBron James to play on the Kings in 2015. Also on that team: Lamar Odom. The baby acts as mascot and falls into a pit of despair, a la the Philly Phanatic.
2:1 – Gucci/Prada/Bentley/…etc.
Because of some bullshit about living luxuriously.
3:2 - Golden
It’s the perfect name. It ties together the thing that both Kanye and Kim like (gold), it allies them to Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby (Blue Ivy), is a nod to Kanye’s hit, Gold Digger (and is a common criticism of Kim’s), and just like Golden Tate’s catch/not catch in Week 3 of the current NFL season, it is a goddamn mistake and abomination. Bet the house on it.