Greetings, readers. As you may or may not know, I am the King Youtube, ruler of the world’s smallest, most advanced country. We are known, of course, for our greatest export: short videos about various things. But for every ‘Gangnam Style’ or ‘Charlie bit my finger,’ there are so many unheralded clips, great cultural landmarks, which fall by the wayside. It is my duty to represent the work of my people to the highest extent of my ability. Therefore, I have decided to share the majesty of my land with you, in exchange for no money. My advisors say its Internet Madness, but what do they know? I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
Anyhoo, my first gift to you comes from a great patriot and family man, Bingo675, from the great state of Terrible Movie Clips. His work deserves to be recognized, as he plumbed the depths of the worst Roger Moore-era James Bond films to bring us all this doozy. Unfortunately, Bingo cannot be here to accept this award, as he is imprisoned for his insolence. I am happy to accept this award on his behalf. And as he cannot be here to walk you, the reader, through clip, I will humbly take his place.
Before we even begin, let us talk of the source material this springs from. It is, of course, from the 1973 movie ‘Live and Let Die’, which gave us such things as shark grottos as plot devices, and Paul McCartney’s insufferable theme which eventually led to him looking like an old lesbian. To recap the movie, James Bond goes to New Orleans because some agents die, and interacts with some of the most racist caricatures of black people ever. The main bad guy is named Dr. Kananga, who is a prime minister of some Caribbean country but is also a heroin smuggler and owner of a fast food restaurant franchise called ‘Fillet of Soul’. Oh, and he’s played by Yaphet Kotto (yes, THAT Yaphet Kotto), who is the black version of Chiwetel Ejiofor. Also, he has a white psychic (named Solitaire!) for some reason. Seriously, read the description on Wikipedia.
Let us begin the watching!
00:01 – Okay, James Bond is swinging from a trapeze thing that’s in the middle of this lair. I won’t explain this.
00:02 – That gentleman that looks like a defensive line coach is in fact actor Jolly Brown, who plays a henchman named Whisper, because that’s all he does (I AM SERIOUS). He seems genuinely concerned at the swinging 007 and gets in front of him to stop him, presumably. Clearly he wasn’t doing anything important at that fake console.
00:05 – Bad editing alert! Let’s say he got kicked, though. Oh no, watch out, Whisper! There’s an empty missile behind you!
00:07 – Clever thinking by James Bond, pulling the nose cone of the missile to close the doors. Good thing he paid attention in Rocketry 101 in Secret Agent University. It doesn’t behave like it’s made out of cardboard or anything.
00:07 – Hooray, it’s Dr. Kananga (aka Mr. Big…I didn’t talk about this alter-ego earlier because it’s stupid). He’ll put a stop to this. He has to, because he has a knife!
00:08 – Why is he running so daintily? Is it a sprained MCL or possibly even a PCL?
00:09 – Dr. Kananga’s Lesson #1: Obscure, ineffective kung-fu is required if you have a knife and the other guy doesn’t have anything.
00:10 – A kick to the chest has enough centrifugal motion to spin Dr. Kananga around. This doesn’t look good.
00:15 – Dr. Kananga has Bond right where he wants him. This should end quickly. Also, this face deserves every Oscar for acting:
At least the lair has a sweet washer-dryer combo.
00:17-00:19 – Those are not the stabs of a man who wishes to win when he has a clear advantage.
00:20 – 00:27 – Well choreographed fighting. Big ups to stunt coordinators Bill Bennet, Joie Chitwood (great name), Jerry Comeaux (also a great name), Ross Kananga (UNRELATED, I HOPE), Bob Simmons, and Eddie Smith. Take a bow, gentlemen. These are the sort of people that gain favor with King Youtube.
00:27 – This has certainly taken a turn for the worse. Perhaps some pool shenanigans are coming up next. A game of chicken or Marco Polo…to the death?
00:32 – Oh no, a shark! Will it eat them both? Will it eat only one of them? Or are sharks regular animals instead of bloodthirsty teeth monsters like every dummy thinks?
00:34 – Yaphet Kotto clearly is no fan of being half-nelsoned in a shark tank.
00:39 – Underrated moment # 354: James Bond’s hair toss. Sexy move, Sir Roger Moore. Sexy move.
00:40 – The shark is getting closer! Or continues to be in the water minding his own business. Either way.
00:41 – James Bond feeds his ABC gum (gross!) to Yaphet Kotto, to totally gross him out, apparently, and then pushes him under in a moment of sheer manliness. Dr. Kananga is clearly not happy about this weird gum in his mouth. James Bond’s plan worked!
00:45 – Watch out! Dr. Kananga is super grossed out and will vomit (presumably right on that shark!)
00:48 – 00:54 - …
I can’t… I don’t understand. Let me quote the Wikipedia article on this movie:
"Bond escapes and forces a shark gun pellet into Kananga's mouth, causing him to blow up like a balloon, float to the top of the cave, and explode."
Thank you, Wikipedia. I can always count on your succinctness.
This movie made, adjusted for inflation, $847 million. And my advisors say I’m the crazy one.