I was tickled fancy to be given this assignment by my Optimism Vaccine editorial staff to review The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection album by Taylor Swift. I haven’t sat down to enjoy a good music album since we lost Glenn Miller back in ’44. Those were somber times. : (
Track 1 - Last Christmas
This boy’s voice is effeminate. While it makes me feel insecure and squeamish, I must admit I also feel rather comfortable, and bloated. A beautiful beginning to what I’m sure will be a listening experience.
Track 2 - Christmases When You Were Mine
I had trouble hearing this track as my neighbor had started to mow his lawn directly next to my open window. I screamed from my window, “PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THAT! PLEASE STOP THAT AS I AM LISTENING TO MY ALBUM MUSIC AND TRYING TO WRITE A COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW OF HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL INSIDE SO THAT OTHERS MAY ENJOY THE ALBUM MUSIC TOO AND WE MAY RELATE AS PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE SAME ALBUM MUSIC AND I’LL FEEL A BETTER CONNECTION TO PEOPLE WHO MAY WELL BE MY FRIENDS ONE DAY! PLEASE STOP!” But he didn't stop. He kept on mowing his goddamn lawn grass and do you know what happened? Do you know what happened next? He hit a rock with his lawn mowing machine causing a sizable shard of said rock to launch into his neck. A misty blood geyser spewed across his grass clippings as he collapsed onto the half mowed lawn. Thankfully, he released the handle of that f*cking mowing machine, allowing silence to once again return to the neighborhood. This allowed me, to once again, return to my music album review.
Track 3 - Santa Baby
Personally, it confuses me why alcohols are called spirits. There were a number of years squandered in my mid-40s spent convinced that the liquids must be haunted. I didn't touch the hard stuff for years, not until the one balmy summer after-noon I popped on the compact disk album The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection album by Taylor Swift. Nothing personal against music, or holidays, or Mr. Swift, but it is a thing that happened, which is, of course, in any good music album review, worth noting.
Track 4 - Silent Night
I thought the use of a flute on this track was quite innovative. I thought that until I realized my neighbor’s goddamn daughter was playing her idiot flute next to an open window. I should have closed my window for this music album review, but it is simply too rotten hot for that. I've been warned by local meteorologists that I will soon stop sweating and die alone if I close up these windows in this heat. I am a senior citizen, and I need to take responsibility for myself so these rotten neighbors don’t come disturb my broasted corpse as soon as they notice a smell. I should go get a cup of water.
Track 5 Christmas Must Be Something More
I went to go get my water and realized my refrigerator had been unplugged all day. My egg salad sandwiches were sweltering. I immediately was overcome by smell and vomited profusely across the kitchen floor. I screamed up at Sweet Jesus for giving me such a rotten lot and returned to my album music listening chair. There were some lyrics about gnomes that confused and elated me. The staggering amount of bile seeping into my shirt at that point was becoming somewhat distracting.
Track 6 - White Christmas
The best thing about times past is all the metal & steel they used to make things out of. I remember when compact disc players were made of nothing but solid steel and well-oiled machinery bits. Nowadays everything’s got to be plastic and made overseas. That’s why I was never able to make it through this album. My goddamned compact disc music player began skipping at the 11 second mark of track six. I’m sad to report to all you music album fans that it never stopped skipping from there. Well, not for two more hours anyway, at which point a small electrical fire began to spread from the frayed brown extension cord powering my compact disc music player, right up over my curtains. The smoke smelled of hickory and betrayal.
This certainly was a muggy day for sitting in a chair listening to album music. I’m sure Swift will receive plenty of additional money contracts for his album music and will end up in some place far better than this hell hole of an existence I seem to have gotten my rotting carcass into. Eleven dollars may seem like a lot of money to spend for some album music, but it is far better to have that money going to the young recording artists of today, than to the mustard stained pockets of the great industrial railroading barons of yesteryear.